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Maxims

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.


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